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My sixteen year old brain had become a movie theater where picture after picture flashed on the screen, all involving Judy. Not an older lady, but JUDY. I was still standing when she got off the phone, and when she sat down in one of the arm chairs I did likewise. I had myself in hand again, having stopped the fantasizing, for the moment at least. Time went fast and we started to develop a nice friendship. "I became a widow three years ago," she started telling me. "My husband was on a major stockholder of a pharmaceutical company and due to the circumstances surrounding his death I was offered a huge settlement. Both of us had worked hard, long hours, six or seven days a week to get were we were. I suddenly realized that the past is behind me, that I was independent and could arrange my life as I pleased. I replaced my stuffy office with the wide open world."We had a few minutes left before we had to leave for dinner. I filled them with some short bits of my current life and my. "I'm sorry. I just can't be in a relationship with anyone right now. I just can't."I felt emptier than I had ever done in my whole life: what was wrong with me? I was keen to get away from Abi in some respects but Abi was fairly upset after I asked her out, so I stayed for longer than I probably should have done. She was suddenly very tense and apprehensive around me whereas before she was carefree and happy. She kissed me as I left and told me she wished things could be different but she couldn't get involved in a committed relationship right now. I almost resented her a little for it, but always knew that she was out of my league. I hoped and aspired for something I clearly could not have.I phoned Sarah when I got home. She sounded happier than I was feeling and said she wished she could be with me but I was glad her parents had grounded her, as I simply couldn't face her bubbly demeanour. I loved her for it, but I needed someone to talk to who knew me. I needed a Paula or a Ray.
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